Friday, August 27, 2010

Need a mug? See me.

So, today I'm going to give you a piece of advice that will save you from countless hours of swearing and sweating. You can thank me later.

How to Deal with Teachers.

Firstly, if you are a pre-school parent, I know you wont believe a word I'm about to say, but bear with me as I'm only thinking of you. 
When you take your little Zachary or Zinnia to school for the first time you want that teacher to love your kiddie like you do and are willing to follow teachers orders like they were etched in stone. You'll bend over backwards to ensure that your Winston or Winnie are "golden" children. Don't say you wont, cos I know you!

And if your offspring are a little older and already at school (and I'm talking primary school here) there's still hope for you but you will have to instigate this regime sooner rather than later.

1. Develop a scowl. This must be worn from the moment you enter your school gates and not be removed until you hear that gate close behind you. You are aiming to be unapproachable to teachers.

2. Wear something that says "NO." I don't care if it's a badge, or a tattoo on your forehead, or even if you want to shave it into your scalp but for your own sanity please just remember that little word. Actually, I seem to remember my mother telling me something like that but I'm sure she was talking about something else, just can't remember what.

3. Never, never volunteer for something....but if you must (and I know you want to) only do it on the understanding that it's the only thing you can do that fits in with your extremely busy timetable. Let it be known that you are a BUSY woman (or man!) and that you are doing them a huge favour by attending this ONE, and only ONE excursion.

4. Keep a phone in your pocket that you can suddenly "answer" so that you can look apologetically over your shoulder at the teacher as you walk away talking to yourself.

5. Do not under any circumstances admit to being able to sew or cook or craft in any way. If your child dobs you in, change schools....quickly!

This all sounds terrible doesn't it, I mean teachers are lovely hard working people aren't they!

Yes they are, but they are also very clever (which is lucky seeing as they're teaching our kids) and they can spot a weak parent in the crowd just like a lion picks out the weakest zebra. Once you're spotted, they're in for the kill! I also think they sell lists to other schools, so if you do have to change schools (see number 5 above) consider changing your name also.

No-one ever gave me this advice and in the last few weeks I've had to make half a class load of gingerbread houses..... I'd never made gingerbread before, so it's not like I knew what I was doing, I was just the weakest parent there......she must have spotted my gammey leg......broke my food processor.....had to pick pieces of plastic from the mix....spent a whole day doing batch after batch of the horrid stuff.....none of it's even for my kid's group!
Then I got dobbed in for making the nativity costumes.....I make quilts, not costumes! That's three wise men, three shepherds, three Roman soldiers, not to mention ma and pa in the stable, oh....and three angels!
The last few days I've been imersed in cheerleader skirts. Of course I can run up thirteen skirts (with two red ribbon stripes) in two shakes of a possums tail! 

No problem! 

Need a mug, see me.


  1. ROFL!!! Oh my golly! You've really been sucked in. I thought I had a lot on my plate at the moment but this takes the cake, or should I say gingerbread! I feel bad for laughing but I can't stop.

  2. You told me those cheerleader skirts were for you! One for Monday... One for Tuesday... etc : )
    Thanks for the offer mate, I would LOVE some shortbread. Homemade that is. Lots of homemade shortbread, Mmmmm Thanks!

  3. Oh Clair, I'm sorry but I read this and laughed and laughed. Your description is hysterical. But then I suddenly remembered I had better get back to the kindergarten invoices (... I'm the kindergarten zebra ... er, I mean treasurer)